Giving my Feelings the Finger

I'm big on the f-word. No, not that one. The one I'm speaking of is feelings. I think they should lead you but what happens when you find yourself at a dead-end? That's where I'm at. So while I feel the burn, the love burn that is I'm turning my feelings off. I've had my fill of emotional bullshit. This is where I jump off the crazy train before it gets to the next stop. I can't imagine anything good coming from staying on any longer & it's dawning on me that maybe it's time for me to be the conductor instead of the passenger. 

It's officially been summer for four days and I refuse to spend one more day having a private pity party. It's time for me to fake it till I make it. Whenever I feel like giving into my feelings I'm going to say this, "I love you, Vanessa. I love you, Vanessa. I love you, Vanessa." Oh, by the way my name is Vanessa you didn't know that but you do now. This is the mantra that Tracy McMillan writes about using here. She goes on to say this about the repetitive nature of this mantra: 

Sometimes the emphasis is on the "I," and sometimes it's on the "love," and other times it's on the "you." Those are three different meanings, and I need to hear all of them.

The saying goes you've got to love yourself first before you can love someone else, right? So I'm gonna use this summer to focus on loving myself in a more unconditional & forgiving kind of way. See what I want to say to myself includes several expletives, a few disparaging comments & admitting that my love for douche bags runs deep. If I don't get my shit together I'm destined to be a Golden Girl minus the whole married and true love thing. I've always fancied myself a mix of Blanche & Dorothy. Go figure. But for reals, I don't want to be a beautiful gray haired elderly woman and have not experienced the forever kind of love I want because the men I chose to fall for were douche bags. I'm too pretty for that!

So ladies, my summer plan is to have as much fun as possible, run a 5K, put some quality girl time in poolside & maybe its time to put pen to paper and make myself an official bucket list! And if I just so happen to meet an irresistible man of the Asian persuasion & a steamy summer romance ensues, then so be it. 

Signed the girl whose decided that two middle fingers is better than one, XO-Miss BB  


 

It's My Party & I'll Cry if I Want To

I woke up this morning, took a deep breath and went to check the results of the Badass Blog Awards. The winner, was not me...cue the waterworks. 

Okay. It was only a few. But that's a pretty cry if I've ever seen one & has totally set the bar for my next sobfest. I then decided to get my ass up & exercise. I've set a goal of not looking like a whale that washed up on land in my bikini, which I totally misspelled in a photo I instagrammed. Like really, who misspells bikini & PS-in hindsight I knew it didn't look right but couldn't figure it out. Yes, this is what a quality high school education & no college degree get you. Jealous? 

So while I was getting my walk/run on I decided to feel the burn & then get the hell over it. This is my feel the burn paragraph entitled, All the Reasons it Makes Sense I Didn't Win. 

1. Like three people publicly follow this blog. I'd like to thank all three of you! 

2. I only just reached 300 twitter followers. Which is what the cool kids call "baby anon." I'm still just a baby.

3. I have a whopping four likes on Facebook. One including me so let's make that three. 

4. My mom is not regular reader of this blog. My mom, well she's old and doesn't understand my bitter heart. She got married last year. On New Years Eve actually, did you know it's my second favorite holiday to Halloween? I wonder if she knows in my "love fantasy" I want to be proposed to on NYE? She gets to celebrate the day she said "I do" every year for the second time on 12/31. Um, can I have my turn???? 

5. My BFF doesn't read regularly either. I usually email her my latest & greatest work. Did I mention she's getting married this summer? So she's got her hands full as the final days tick down and here my whiny ass is making it all about me.

6. I realized on my walk/run I sometimes make things all about me. This is my all about me moment. Oh, I'm also on my period and clearly I'm on the "I'm going to be totally crazy, ridiculous and cry" day. Okay that covers it. 

I'm a glass half full kind of girl just not when it comes to love. I'm just getting started. I've found my voice, three people who like to read my ramblings & I'm the skinniest I've ever been!  I've made up my mind to do some very non-characteristic like things which I can't wait to do & tell you, all three of you that is about! I have no idea what the future holds but I know there best to be a funny & attractive man ready to impregnate me when I reach the end of my single girl journey! And since it's my fantasy I'd like him to be holding a six pack of beer and flowers, anything but roses. How about a cactus? Hey, a girl can dream! 

Signed the little girl in us all that sometimes just needs to pretty cry.

 XO, Miss BB 

I'm the Maid of Honor B*tch [Guest Post for Another Clean Slate]

Kate is the brains and the brawn behind Another Clean Slate. She's busy being a bridesmaid on St. John, you know reading, relaxing and drinking. Can someone I know please have a destination wedding? While I wait for that to happen here's what I've learned about being a Maid of Honor! 

I’m the Maid of Honor B*tch

Whenever I don’t know where or how to start I always go back to the beginning. When I found out my BFFL, that’s best friend for f*cking life was engaged I was in Las Vegas, it was Fourth of July weekend & she text me a picture of her newly adorned ring finger. I cried. They were happy tears, for her.  They were not so happy tears, for me. See, I took the have a baby skip the marriage route. It happens. But in that moment our fate’s seemed cemented. Hers to becoming a Mrs. & mine to forever being a Ms. There’s a saying; it goes “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” My hunt for Mr. Right continues. In the mean time, in between time I get celebrate my BFFL is going to marry hers & that is an honor.

Disclaimer: Prior to accepting the role MOH I had never been part of a bridal party. I had been to some fantastic weddings. I participated in a fabulous Bachelorette Party. This is new & exciting territory.

Party Time Shenanigans

There wasn’t a whole lot time given to plan the engagement party. I, being new to this MOH thing took bridesmaids at their word. I shouldn’t have. Lesson #1, take charge. It’s totally what I should have done only I didn’t realize that until the morning of after spending an hour waiting in my car for the bridesmaid with the party in her possession. That’s right, she had the food, the decorations & as the clocked ticked dread and panic simultaneously set in. Oh, I left out that the food still needed to be cooked. The saving grace, alcohol. There was enough wine & champagne punch to put a smile on everyone’s face. I spent the entire party in the kitchen. That’s right, I wasn’t in a single picture. I instead tried to make the best of a really shitty situation by making sure the food got out as quickly as humanly possible & the wine stayed flowing. It was basically a hot ass mess. It was my besties engagement party.

A Pissed off Mr. & Mrs. To Be

The bride wasn’t the only person whose day I managed to ruin. I wasn’t personally responsible for pissing the groom off that would have been the bridesmaid who was holding the party ransom in her car & showed up late, yeah that one. Unbeknownst to me the night before he called & asked her if there was anything he could bring for the party. She said no but somehow he ended up making a run to the store. He was none too happy about that. With an angry groom on the loose an equally angry bride was up next. Only she didn’t show it. No, she kept a smile on her face & made it through the party. Her words of disappointment in me came later. It was actually tough to hear. Lesson #2, when the bride speaks you listen. It’s what I did. I didn’t think it was my fault but she did & when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters. 

The Thing about “Team Work”

Lesson #3, you put the “I” in team. Following that fiasco this was my new mantra. See I’m the Maid of Honor. She chose me over everyone else for a reason. That reason is for me to have her back regardless of the feelings that hurt along the way. And the same goes for you.

I singlehandedly paid for everything that went into putting together her Bridal Shower. I take that back, there was one bridesmaid who was a huge help. Together we were able to totally kill it! The days leading up to it though left me frustrated, stressed & in tears. This was for my BFF & I was going to do whatever it took to get things done. The Bridal Shower was everything the Engagement Party should have been. Lesson #4, embrace the bride’s style & taste. Once I finally chose a theme I knew my bride would love the rest was easy. I spent a lot of time looking up stuff which totally paid off. I found great freebies & ideas that lent themselves perfectly to DIY. See if you’re going to finance a party alone you’ve got to know where to splurge & where to scrimp. I figured out where to put my dollars & where to put my creativity. When the bride showed up to be showered the room was set, the food was delicious & the games we’re so much fun! The tears, the stress & the lack of sleep were totally worth it because my BFF was totally worth it!

The Final Countdown

As of today we’re thirty-two days until the “I do’s.” We’ve got one more celebration on the calendar & that’s the brides Last Fling before the Ring Weekend! I rubbed every bridesmaid the wrong way when it came to planning this. If you recall, this is where my expertise lies. As a reformed “Party Girl” I’m well versed in how to have a good time & take it seriously!  Besides how hard could it be to get five women (me & the bridesmaids) to agree on a time & place to celebrate another person (the bride)? The answer is harder than it should be. Lesson #5, plan and they will come. That’s what I’m doing. I’ve not talked to or consulted anyone as far as planning this goes. What I’ve learned along the way is that someone is going to be a no show, more than one of them is going to be late & that’s just the way it is. Lesson #6, relax because everything will come together & the memories you make along the way are what’s going to matter most when you look back.

Oh, you know that speech I’m supposed to give at the wedding I need to get to writing that!

XO, Miss BB

Operation Dating Detox: Week #3

Well I'm past the halfway point and I've come to the ass kicking part of my journey. It feels something like this: 

Prior to Googling this little masterpiece I could not tell you the man in the rather fabulous white suit is named Weng Weng. To think that I would have lived my entire existence without knowing that, is just plain sad. He does what it's only taken one full size man to do. That's heavy on the figuratively and not so heavy on the literal but something tells me you got that part.

I should have known that Week #3 was going to be a tough one when instead of doing a proper Week #2 update I opted for a mid-week update instead. I guess looking back it was the calm before the storm. Hindsight is 20/20, actually I had friend who said it was 19/20. Either way looking back from where I'm at now I can admit to being a total train wreck but you know what that's just how I roll. There was time when I would have downplayed how I felt or what I was thinking but this go round I'm choosing to make an ass of myself in a more pronounced fashion. There is a glimmer of hope & that would be my hot to crazy ratio. Are you familiar with this school of thought?

The Urban Dictionary puts it like this, it's a scale in which the vertical axis is labeled "HOT" & the horizontal axis is labeled "CRAZY." A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she's equally hot.  

The flip side is that I'm not crazy or hot. I'd like the record to reflect that I'm not ugly. Let's call "HOT" a state of mind that I've yet to reach. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all? I'm late to the whole "accepting your body" way of being but I'm here now & totally ready to embrace all the things that make me, me. That goes for the internal & external. Love comes in all shapes, sizes & colors. Love is blind. I do believe that it just happens in the most beautiful unexpected way. Hold on, did I just say that? Who the hell am I & where has my snarky edge gone? I'm back.

I'm moving. I'm not sure where I'm going. I've yet to pick a destination. Maybe that's my problem. Seems like a rather fitting way to close a week that's totally kicked my ass or more appropriately reminded me that my heart is not any one's piñata. 

XO, Miss BB

And the Nominee is...

ME

And much in the sentiment of Jennifer Lawrence, YES! 

PS-I'm not alone is being a total fangirl of her am I? I mean she makes quirky sexy and I totally want to be like that too. This girl right here, has set bar pretty high in the goals department. Just sayin'! 

The Indie Chicks is an online magazine for the passionate, ambitious, self empowered badass craving inspiration, motivation & a community of like minded chicks. I'd like to thank Google for that concise synopsis but this picture from their website says it all & very well might I add: 

My new love mission is to find myself an indie dick! 

I got totally distracted from the point of all this but how can you go wrong with Jennifer Lawrence and using the word dick in a not dirty way. I'm a nominee in the "Best Sex, Dating & Relationship Blog" & I need your support to win! Here's what you need to do: 

1. Go to http://theindiechicks.com/badass-blog-awards-vote-for-your-favorite-bloggers/

2. Scroll to my category, Best Sex, Dating & Relationship Blog 

3. Vote for "From Bitter Bitch to Party of One" 

4. If your love for me knows no limits enlist someone know you to vote too! 

Voting ends May 31st & the winner is crowned June 3rd! 

Me the best. I like the sound of that. 

XO, Miss BB 

Operation Dating Detox: Week #2

I'm writing this update two days into Week #3, which can be summed up in like this: 

I'm not fairing so well when it comes to the emotional warfare that I'm currently engaged in. 

Week #2 came and went. Pretty early on in the week I put everything on hold and was all  consumed with hosting a bridal shower. I only ran one day. I spent the rest of the week in a cycle of stress, panic & sleep deprivation so much so that I spent Sunday catching up on sleep. It was lovely. Since that's not all that interesting and Week #3 is proving to be kicking my ass, only two days in mind you I'm going to do a mid-week update. 

I find myself in an uncomfortable place. I'm big on feelings. I say trust them, do what they tell you & here I am struggling to do just that. Why is it that it's easy for me to give advice but when it comes to me following it--it's a whole different story. My problem is one we've all faced before, my head & my heart are not on the same page. When it comes to my head I'm a tough bitch. Cut, dry & to the point without so much as blinking an eye. When it comes to my heart I'm an emotional bitch. I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm mad. I'm over it. I'm basically a hot mess. 

The blame falls on one person: me 

There are some lessons in love that we find ourselves repeating. I'd like to think it's just for good measure & for me this second time around there are things I did right. For instance, my inner voice has known from the very beginning that I was going to end up right where I am. Tears were shed. Curses were sworn. I took a deep breath and said what I needed to. See you come to a point in a relationship where you don't have anything to lose so if you're gonna go down guns a'blazin' then I say you might as well say what you need to. I did just that. I meant every single word. I'm guilty of lying to myself. I said I would be okay. I lied. I've spent months pussy footing around & all it took was my asking one question two times. I got an answer. Except it's consistently shown itself in his actions. See you need words & actions and you need them to match up. It's that last part that he struggles like a champ with. His actions have consistently said "I don't give a fuck!" I'm not idiot. I'm just a girl who fell for the wrong guy. I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last. Except this time around I somehow manage to end up with the upper hand. How? It beats the hell out of me. 

I get to make the rules. Making the rules means that I've got to follow them and as we're all well aware I'm a rule breaker. This is something that I have to fix. I'm no stranger to having more than one man around to fulfill a bullet item on my "list" its just that this time around that's not what I want. With the end in sight I don't want all of this to have been in vain. My main goal in detoxing is to get rid of the shit that distracts me, that pisses me off & shouldn't and that holds me back. I have two weeks left & I refuse to let a man, especially a Mr. Wrong seep in and throw me off course. Life & love are riddled with mistakes it's our job to learn from them. I've got just enough time left on the clock to figure out what exactly it is that I want. 

What do I want? Stay tuned. 

XO, Miss BB 

Operation Dating Detox: Week #1

Let me catch you up. I’ve took a rather big step by deciding to take one humungous step away from dating at least that’s where it started. You can read all about that, here in my bi-weekly column for Singles Warehouse. Can I call it a column? I just did didn’t I? Seems like a very Carrie approach to something that is actually rather fulfilling. Imagine that, in around 700 words I’m able to say exactly what I need to, admit that I suck at this called dating & point and laugh at myself. It was in the three days leading up to my official kick off that I opted to include detoxing from my social media sickness. People I know, the things said people share or don’t for that matter bother me more than I should allow it. So if I’m going to take the plunge then why not really plunge, right? Right.

I’m calling this week "Enough is Enough"

The good news is that today marks Day #5 and I’ve done some things right and in typical Miss BB fashion I’ve done some things wrong. Let’s start with the good shit:

1.  I ran twice this week. I should have run today. I didn’t. The reason this is a good thing is because on Wednesday I didn’t let anything get in the way and I need to keep that energy moving forward. Life is always going to be demanding of us in one way or another. It’s our job to tell life, “You know what life I’m going to press pause for thirty minutes, turn up the music & walk/run when my 5K app tells me to. Catch you on the flip side.”  

2. I haven’t been on Facebook all week! Five whole days of not distracting myself from what I should be doing or letting what other people are doing bother me. Oh, I’ve also given up Instagramming. If you know me then you know this one is a toughie. I love taking pictures and then uploading them to Instagram. I mean isn’t that what you do? There is a certain someone whose pictures I see and I literally think everything from awww to motherfucker please, true story.

 And now for the bad shit:

I’m going to change the name of one of my main characters. I wonder if I’m allowed to do that. I don’t give damn if I can or not because I’m going to. I’ve affectionately called him Big Fun from here on out he’ll be known as Mr. Disappointment. This is more true to his character & I’m hoping that by typing the word disappointment my brain will catch up to my feelings. It’s currently 4:11am as I type this. I received a text from Mr. Disappointment at 1:39am asking me question. I answered said question and was left feeling what I do most of the time, disappointed. I decided that instead of getting mad I’m going to get over it. I feel better already. See I’ve let him know at least up to now that how he behaves is okay. Three words: It is not. And come to think of it he’s not as stupid as he acts and I think he knows & I’ve said as much, so I guess there’s that.  

Have you ever played out a conversation in your head? I woke up and started to do exactly that, which prompted this little midnight writing session. I don’t know what I’m going to say. I’m going to let him do one of two things, respond or not address it all. The latter is his unspoken specialty. Wait, this is a good thing! What the hell? I’m not taking my usual snarky bitch approach which I should thank him for allowing me to perfect. I guess you could say that passive aggressiveness comes quite naturally and letting it out in small doses helps me to avoid becoming aggressive aggressive It’s a little known fact that I have a nasty ass temper. Maybe I should address that in an upcoming week?

For now though, I can look back and say that even when I think I’m the world’s biggest hot mess I’m not. I’m just a thirty year old single woman who wants to figure myself out a little better so that when I do find Mr. Right for Me I’ll be ready.

See you next week. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

XO, Miss BB