The Elephant in my Love Life

The elephant in the room is actually a man. Does that surprise you in the least bit? He's actually made himself quite comfy (the elephant not the man) and well I just got accustomed to looking everywhere in the room but at it. I recommend avoiding eye contact with whatever plight you're facing until you're ready to face it. Eventually the day will come & you'll be ready, it's taken me fifty four days to sit down at the keyboard and say what it is I'm about to say.                                                                                                                                                                   

Dating in the 21st Century 

Dating can sometimes be a dirty word unless your in middle school and have yet to face the perils we all know now. Like men cheat, break your heart & treat you like gum on the bottom of their show. However as a thirty something woman you better believe the term "hangout" is no longer in my dating word bank. Can we for a moment be grown up enough to label our "male/female interactions" in a way that truthfully reflects said interaction? Their are two schools of thought when it comes to defining dating, let's break it down. 

Exhibit A Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple. (Wikipedia)

Exhibit B The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse; the human courtship ritual; playing baseball for a home run. (Urban Dictionary) 

Pick your poison & lets just get on with already. 

The Good, The Bad & The Present 

Let's start with the present since that's where we are. Last night I went out with Aidan, its only been a little over two months since the last time we saw each other but who's counting? Oh, wait I am. I found myself battling a fierce case of nerves. Who the hell gets nervous going out with someone they've already gone out with? That happens to you too? Awesome. Clearly the amount of time that's passed has a lot to do with it. It was all laid to rest when I saw him and he gave me hug. I really like being around him but for some reason we haven't quite found our groove. I think it just takes time and it happens when it happens. We went to dinner, he has mad date planning skills. Then came the part of the evening where he looked at me & kissed me & well that was that y'all. The sex we have is so good, can I say that? I just did. It's like the doubts I have when we're not naked aren't there. Funny how being in the presence of a naked man can have that effect, huh? 

Here's where things take are gonna take an unexpected turn, I've decided since starting, finishing & saving this post last Saturday only to read, re-read, tweak & still find myself unable to hit publish the good and bad are in one the same: I'm going with my gut. 

Stay tuned as the saga continues...

XO, 

V.V. Browne 

PS-Notice the name change? In an effort to streamline my branding I've mixed things up a little! 

The Day I Didn't Die from Radio Silence

Yesterday I was not on the receiving end of one text message from a man*. I make a point of singling out men for two reasons:

1. I did send & receive texts from my mom

2. At exactly 12:13AM I did receive a text from a man. No it wasn't one of "those" kind of messages which are known to happen from time to time. I'm not "that" kind of girl at least not anymore or in the confines of a committed relationship.

*man, denotes a non-romantic interest. He's lovely in is own right however dating is not in the card for us. See how I can call it like it is? Occasionally, let's not get carried away.

Oh, can we talk about how under appreciated & utilized land lines are? Like the phone in the photo above? How cute? And at the same time how miserable? At least cell phones allow you to set ring/text tones & smart girls everywhere have set a tone for each man. I personally like to pick something that really captures the essence of the relationship I have with the man. Take for instance the man who I kind of felt like I had fallen under a spell (of sorts) for or the writer. In both cases or rather sounds of a spell being cast or a typewriter was a reminiscent nod to each of them. So the poor girl pictured above is in a special kind of purgatory we've long since said goodbye to. Not to mention the phone being off the hook isn't going to increase the chances of it actually ringing. 

So back to my single woman plight, whining/rambling about "radio silence"'which is just my way of saying I didn't receive a text, call or carrier pigeon from a love interest (i.e. man). But wait, who sends a carrier pigeon? That has got to be some real love type shit I've yet to experience. 

I process this two ways, on the one hand I'm the closest I've been to having a clean (man) slate in quite sometime. No, I'm not juggling non-potential men. No, as a matter of fact I'm not wasting my pretty on men, I mean there's just the one, keep reading. I don't see myself with in a long term sense. Then there's that other hand the one I use to smack myself around with when it comes to Aidan. You see I think it's time to admit that I like him more than he likes me at least where consistency is concerned. I've never needed to not talk to someone I claimed to liking for days, weeks or even months at a time. When he's "into me" he's responsive. When he's not "into me," crickets. Right now there's a lovely chorus of crickets playing "can't get enough of your love, babe" ironic huh? 

So what's my problem since I'm clearly the one with the problem here, I rather innately operate at a high emotional level. I need to dial back the emotion and dial up the fun. I have so much fun when I'm with him! Can I just have fun? No, probably not if I'm keeping it real but I can get in some practice & a little practice never hurt. Besides when someone acts how you expect them to why be mad about it. I'm not mad. I might be unrealistically hopeful but I love love, it's just who I am. As I make my way to the front lines, where I'm hoping the single men are in droves I've decided to delete my online dating profile, lose the layer of chub I've put on & find my mojo because if there is one thing summer is perfect for its romance.  

Oh, it was also brought to my attention that his astrological sign could have something to do with it. He's a Pisces. Pisces are apparently fickle. Be still my heart.

XO, 

Miss BB 

Post Valentine's Day Hangover

It was exactly a week ago today that the lovers were loving and what I was not doing was staring deeply into a pair of sweet baby browns. You see there's this man, don't some of our best stories start like that? So let's start again shall we, there's this man I like. We sort of have some history if you tilt your head to the side, close one eye & squint. In ten words or less: six dates, he hits it, quits it & I'm thinking wtf. One drunken text later, his declaration of not wanting anything serious & here we are present day. If you want to read about it for yourself, here you go! 

So on V-day I was hopeful that I would hear from him. Him being Aidan I sort of skipped introducing him properly, where the hell are my manners? Late afternoon I finally did. Want to know the best part? He didn't actually use the words Valentine's Day, opting instead for a red heart! Which made me laugh and not able to resist poking fun at that by calling it "the day that shall remain nameless." He does possess the ability to say Valentine's Day when he said we would do a belated Valentine's Day the following week, we already had a date on the calendar. Oh, I got another red heart. He gets props for understanding my sense of humor, acknowledging that we weren't spending the evening together but we would be soon enough & excellent use of an emoticon. 

This date actually extended to the following day, that's right I spent the night. I know I'm such a slut! When he proposed this idea I was kind of taken aback, like all the way back. See I kind of need definition & parameters to resemble a somewhat successful single woman looking for love. It's casual but sometimes it doesn't feel that way & sleeping over wasn't on my list of "pre-approved activities." I guess we can call it a late addition. Going into this evening I was so nervous, like ridiculous! But why? We know each other, we like each other & once we were together and the margaritas were flowing it was like how it always is, a lot of fun! Why I gotta be such a worry wart? It's just who I am. 

So do you like how I just slipped in that I spent the night with a man I'm totally not dating even though it would appear I was to a passerby. Hey, there are some perfect strangers who totally thought I had a boyfriend! Question: how do I get that to translate to real life? I wouldn't go as far to say I'm clueless more than letting the love (which could very well be a stretch but just go with it) develop. I can't put him in headlock and say, "you're mine motherfucker," right? Not that its crossed my mind or anything. But real talk I have these moments where I think there is some hope for us and in total opposition to the warm and fuzzies I experience doubt of epic proportions. All I can say is that I hope the mental turmoil and emotional anguish I've been subjecting myself to is because I'm a menstruating crazy pants. Hormones are a real thing but fortunately for Aidan I've already tortured one man with them and have learned to just keep quiet. My guess is by this time next week I'll be back to my somewhat normal self. 

All that rambling and I said not one word about waking up in a bed that was not my own. Since this isn't a sex blog I'll spare you those details but I will say this it's nice falling asleep in the arms of strapping older man & waking up to him kissing me isn't so bad either. Funny story: he kind of gave me a hard time about my overnight bag. I packed as efficiently as I possibly could. But there was no way in hell I was going to do anything that resembled the walk of shame (or pride as some of friends on Twitter refer to it)! If I'm too old for that then he definitely is too. It wasn't cute in college but we didn't know any better, we do now. So an outfit appropriate for 9AM was absolutely positively man-da-freakin-tory. Just between us girls, I'm looking forward to the next one. 

My last Valentine's Day commentary for year is a single girl PSA: 

That calculation works out to be 279 days or if you're like me and that sounds like no time at all nine months and six days, now that I can work with! Plenty of time to find a man, right? Damn right! 

XO, Miss BB 

A (not so) Drunk in Love Valentine's Day (just drunk)

Before I get all carried away let's take a moment actually six minutes & twenty-two seconds to get in the spirit...

Confession time: I watched this video for the first time just moments before I began writing this, it was my attempt at being informed. I didn't take to iTunes and download the musical or visual offerings of Bey and still one day I hope to find myself drunk in the club dancing (I don't dance. I move but dance is a stretch.) to this song. How many people do you think chose this song as their first dance? I'm not gonna lie it crossed my mind but enough of that. 

This is me, actually it's Jessica Biel. Except you probably know that. What do you see? I see a fab headband, big smile & fantastic heart shaped piñata! Ummm, you know that piñatas are the most festive touch a party can have, right? Oh, you didn't? Now you do! This is where we reach a fork in the road though. When it comes to Valentine's Day you've got the girls like Jessica Biel from the film  Valentine's Day who hate it & then you have girls like me the lovers of day with dark orgins. Yeah so that cute chubby baby ain't such a cute chubby baby and something about poisonous arrows. 

Fantasy vs. Reality 

My fantasy Valentine's Day would start with a hot n' heavy romp in the wee hours of the morning, first gift of the day a new monogrammed robe, coffee from the Keriug I got for my birthday (well because it's my damn fantasy & Valentine's Day isn't the only day of the year not having a boyfriend doesn't cross my mind), breakfast made by yours truly and then a regular ass day would play out like every other regular ass day except somewhere (see how I'm not being picky here) I'd receive a singing telegram that would gift me with a gigantic stuffed animal and jumbo bag of Harbio gummy bears (because I don't just want any brand gummy bears), my boyfriend would walk through the door with some beer with a bow on it (you know cause it's a gift), dinner (another detail I'm not over thinking I just want to eat) & then the day would end how it began. 

In reality it's 5AM on Valentine's Day and I'm writing this, actually everything but the previous paragraph was written yesterday. I was trying to thwart my current procrastination style writing. I'd say I did pretty damn well (except it's 7:00PM and I'm just getting to posting this)! My daughter is asleep. I'm not sure if it's more cliche to say she's my Valentine or that I'm my own. It's not like she's going to say no it will be more like where's my gift & that's how we know the love is real! I'm going to take her to the mall to play, buy her Taco Bell for lunch, lay her down for a nap, watch tv & drink a vodka tonic, wake her up, make dinner, pick up a mess for at least the second time today that I didn't make, get her in pj's, tell her it's almost time for bed, say lights outs as she begs for one more show, give in because that's what good moms do, then really turn the light out but not before giving her hug & telling her I love her with all my heart. Just a regular ass day doing the things the person I love wants. 

Signed the girl single on Valentine's Day again. 

XO 

To Date Me You Can't Text Me

Let's pretend the hottie to the left is sending yours truly a text message, up until this very moment I would have been all about it. My latest dating pledge goes like this: men can call, write or email me (listed in preferred preference) but they can not, I repeat can not text me & this single girl right here means business. As I searched for where and how to start this I came to the realization that there are a vast array of to do's & to dont's when it comes to this texting thing. I can't begin to count the hours of my life I've lost and can never get back thanks to what we've all come to know as a winless game of cat & mouse. I say winless because one I'm single and two I don't think I've ever carried on a healthly "textship." Like I said I'm single.

Act Like the Growup you Actually Are  

"It may be cute for teenagers to text their sweetheart all day and night, that is really no way for intelligent, confident adults to communicate." -Roxanne Jones, founding editor of ESPN The Magazine& former VP at ESPN

Texting allows you to hide. When I look back at the textships I've carried on they were kind of like optical illusions. There were men I wanted more from I just didn't know how to get it so I just went with it. My problem has always been just going with it. Oh, and giving that's my thing when it comes to men. If he's not going to put in the effort then he must want me to do it for him, right? Wrong! 

When I should have been done I held on for dear life. Like with the first man I ever loved who I never actually told I loved. He hurt me over and over again and I just kept going back for more. The first year we dated we spent NYE together, the next we didn't, he actually spent it with his ex, the pictures found there way to Facebook. How nice, huh? This is the same ex who caught me at his house. We weren't doing anything it had been done. So what happened was as we were saying goodbye it turned back in to hello. Like that's never happened to you! Yeah, you think that's awkward it gets better. How about homegirl called me and was all like, "you know that's my man." He wasn't hers anymore than he was mine & that ladies wasn't even the final straw.

Real Men Talk they Don't Text 

"Texting is not the place for anything serious. Never handle something over text that should be handled in person or over the phone. This just shows that you are a weakling who deserves a good slapping. Swallow your fear and pick up the phone. -Michael Masters, Relationship Expert

I clearly need to befriend some relationship expert friends because Michael just described my non existent relationship with Big. It's all one hot ass mess that up until very recently I couldn't get enough of. We've had full blown textbook dysfunctional text message conversations. Whew, that was a mouthful! What can I say other than it takes time to get someone out of your system. He's not fully out either but I'm done carrying on like a teenager. I'm a grown ass woman who doesn't want to be an old ass single woman. 

My last bit of advice for those of you not taking the pledge with me, hey, I get it, these things take time, "the hotter the person is, the less you should be texting them. Don't be needy." Don't be that girl, I've been that girl and you don't want to be her. 

If you want to read Roxanne's article in its entirety, which I highly encourage: http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/03/opinion/jones-texting-dating/?c=&page=1 

You're welcome. 

XO, Miss BB 

Bad First Date: The good. The bad. The ugly.

There was some good. There was some bad. Oh, he was ugly. I know that sounds harsh but ugly is a part of the catch phrase I'm feeling inspired by, so there. Allow me to introduce you to V. 

The Good 

When it comes to meeting an online suitor my rule of thumb is to let the man plan. As long as he's not inviting me to his home or a strip club I can get on board. For the record, I have nothing against establishments where women get naked to pay for college. 

V invited me to dinner. He asked me out a week in advance. On the Tuesday before the Sunday we were to go out the had picked a restaurant. All of which earned him major brownie points! I like order and I also like things my way and here he goes just falling in line! 

The Bad 

So the day before we were to go out th e transmission in my car failed. Taking me from car owner to hitchhiker in just a matter of hours. I decided to not be an asshole and cancel the date with time still on my side opposed to a few hours before. He expressed concern, encouragement and offered to pick me up in lieu of rescheduling. All desirable qualities so maybe he's a keeper, maybe. I slept on it and figured why put off when I could press on. Can I add that this is very uncharacteristic of me too? I had every intention of drowning my sorrows in multiple bottles of wine. Oh, that very night I did just that! Please tell me you too have looked for answers at the bottom of a wine bottle? 

As I was in the midst of determining what to do about V I had Aidan asking me out. Here I stood at a crossroads, do I put V off for Aidan? Well I used my brain and not my lady parts and put Aidan off. See I want a boyfriend. Aidan doesn't want to be my boyfriend. I will always choose a glimmer of potential over no hope of potentional. So ladies this is my new way of defining "keeping your eye on the prize." See the prize isn't the man, not entirely at least; more so you getting what it is you want. 

The Ugly 

Here's the thing about online dating photos, they can be misleading. I know for a fact mine are not. They're clear, not overly filtered or cropped. In the case of V what I saw online didn't translate in person. He opens the car door, I get in said car and then I find out he drives a stick shift. From early on something about his driving had me tapping my imaginary break. I even had a "Omigod am I okay" moment that took the form of what can best be described as a convulsion. Yes, he noticed. No, I wasn't embarrassed. Umm, shouldn't he be for scaring a person he's just meeting for the first time? 

The good news is that after sharing that I was the complete opposite type driver he toned it down considerably on the ride home. I even asked him if he considered himself to be an aggressive driver and he had the audacity to say no! The same man who had no regard for pedistrians and used profanities. Sure your not, keep telling yourself that sweetheart. 

I don't want to see V again and he figured out as much when I basically lept out of his car when we hit the driveway. He didn't do anything wrong, well there was the driving but there was no hope of a spark. See my love flame takes some time to ignite but that requires me wanting to see you again, you know so the whole spark thing can happen? Or not, which has happened too. He text me goodnight, I replied goodnight & that was that. First bad date of 2014 down. The end. 

XO, Miss BB 

The Time I Suffered from Writers Block

"You can't think yourself out of a writing block, you have to write yourself out of a thinking block."
-John Rogers 

Over the past few months I've done more thinking then I've done writing. In addition to suffering from writers block my heart is all kinds of fucked up. You see in the past even when my heart was aching I was never at a loss for putting that ache into words. But something changed actually it was a someone not a something. As I prepared to do what I do best and take to the keyboard I found myself paralyzed. 

Let the Blame Game Begin! 

The culprit should come as no surprise, it was a man. More than that though I found myself in the same place I'd been with the same man. I didn't want to admit that. How many times can you tell the same story before someone goes, "you aren't tired of this shit yet?" And then what? What do I say? No. I mean that's what continuing to be the other half of the worlds worst romance is saying, right? Well fine, put on your judgy pants and judge away. I have writing to do! I know what to do I'm just not ready to do it. How's that for honesty? It actually feels pretty good, see there's no point in any of this if I'm not going to be honest. And up until this very moment I didn't know how to be without feeling like a complete idiot. 

Dating vs. Audtioning 

So when I Googled "dating is fun" the first hit was an article from AskMen.com, titled Dating Evolution (http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/the-dating-evolution.html). It was written by a 37 year old single man, his name is Mike & he was where I am, trying to figure out how to make dating fun. He breaks it down pretty nicely: dating was sort of magical as a teenager, no pressure just connecting. Then you hit your 20s and there's a shift. I love how he puts it, it's not dating it's socializing. The kind of socializing that leads to sex. Now as we face singledom in our 30s it's definitely not dating that we're doing it's auditioning. Which couldn't be more true for me. I've gotten so caught up in finding the one that I've basically said screw the fun I'm ready to find Mr. Right, get engaged & turn my Pinterest wedding board into reality. 

Well none of that happens if I don't dial back the agenda driven single girl within.  Remember when it was just about letting it happen without even realizing that's what you were doing? Me either, but I'm going to try and just let it happen. Here's to all the fun dating was, that it isn't but is about to be! 

XO, Miss BB