The Tale of the Girl Who's Keeping Her Mouth Shut

When it comes to this thing called blogging I'd have to say what I suck at most is consistency, there I said it & this isn't the first time. It's not purposeful it's just hard to keep coming up with new ways to say the same shit. I'm single. I haven't gone on a date in weeks. Actually, I maybe sorta bailed on the last man who invited me out. It wasn't my fault though, see something came up and instead of saying, "sorry can't make it got a date" I told my date "sorry can't make it something came up." It goes like this, saying yes to someone or something means saying no to another someone or something, so the someone or something you're saying yes to should be the better someone or something.


Using that very scientificy calculation it did not come out in the favor of the someone I initially said yes to. Guess what? Sometimes it be like that. Since the cancellation of that date we've yet to set another one and to be honest my gut told me this was gonna happen. Then he did that sleazy half kidding, half not kidding thing where a man will say I'm on the way & hasn't been invited thing, ew. Except he wasn't kidding. If his lackluster performance up to this point wasn't a turnoff this certainly sealed the deal. PS-I'm not over here dying to go out with anyone. It'd be easy to play the blame the game which is exactly what I'm about to do, blame everyone but me.


My dating life has been as dry as the Sahara since Aidan. I recently wanted to tell him that I hate his face, the face that I haven't seen in months. After some really good self evaluation, I'm talking Iylana Vanzant good here I decided to keep my mouth shut. Nothing good will ever come from initiating a conversation with that man. He's an asshole in good guy packaging. You can't be a good guy and an asshole at the same time. You can only be one or the other & your actions are going to dictate which category I place you in from here on out. No more of this, "he's such a good guy, he's just got a lot going on bullshit" because that ladies is all that is. I'm done dealing with assholes in pretty packaging with no regard for my feelings. 

That's what makes the thought of having to do this all over again potentially several times before finding the right guy seem like a nightmare. A nightmare that actually has me up and writing at three o' clock in the morning. There is one more piece to this, more like a side effect of spending time with another human being and those are memories. I came across an article about a DJ, I read it and then started wracking my brain as to why he sounded familiar and then it hit me, like a semi. Ahhh, Aidan. That motherfucker.


Any sane girl would only allow one man at a time to drive her crazy. If you haven't quite put it together I don't exactly fall into the sane category when it comes to dating. There's another bozo with one foot in the picture and one foot out. He's more background noise than anything, the equivalent of a song popping in your head for no particular rhyme or reason & then just like that it's gone. That is the perfect description of the type of relationship we have. It's totally fucked up but somehow I've managed to get comfortable, why am I so good at doing that? 

As I was pondering all of this a couple days ago, like I do every now and then I accepted that this will never change. He will never be the man I want him to be & it was in that moment that I decided to keep my mouth shut. Not all relationships or friendships for that matter have to have an ugly ending. What if the new ugly is keeping whatever you feel to yourself because in the end how much do you think it really matters to other person? If it mattered you'd have what you need.


There's one more group of men I'd like to blame and those are men who online date. I know, that's a lot of men but I'm not just doing this for me anymore, this is for you too. When it comes to the cat and mouse game of messaging I'd have to say it mimics real life in a way I wish it didn't. When I send a message to a man, crickets. On second thought I think the crickets make more noise then the men do but I think you get it. This is why I solemnly swear to stop. When a man is attracted to you he will say it some more eloquently than others but you won't be left guessing. Something both of the men I just discussed were really good at doing. Giving just enough to keep me around but not nearly enough to make me happy & instead of being a bitch about it I'm going to be a lady and keep my mouth shut.


XO,


V.V. Browne

Online Dating with Nicole Richie

Candidly Nicole debuted this week on VH1 & although I missed it's premiere Thursday I spent Friday morning laughing my ass off! It wasn't too long before I was pressing pause so I could tweet the shenanigans play-by-play which got me thinking, I should totally write about this & here I am.

Nicole helped her friend (Erin) set up and proceeded to online date for her all incognegro style. It went like this: 

Nicole: You gotta paint the picture, you can show him your real self later 

Erin: Then he'll be in too deep to leave 

Nicole: You don't just get a guy by showing who you are. You gotta lure him in a little bit. 

Erin: Like with someone else's personality 

Here's the thing although this is tongue n' cheek there are some nuggets of truth if you read between the lines. Your profile is the picture you paint of yourself both with what you say and don't say. I'm not sure if I hate the men who don't bother to fill in more then there weight & height or the ones who author a long boring novel. Say enough to spark interest, consult a thesaurus & resist the urge to post half naked selfies. 

As for the lure I can tell you rather confidently that my "lure game" is absolutely hit or miss. As of late it's been more missing then hitting but that's the nature of the online dating beast. I hate to be old fashion but if a man wants to talk you up, he will. No matter how out of his league you are which you'd think would serve as a deterrent when it comes to being the first to message. I don't do it often but I have a 0% success rate. So for all you educated, funny, PYT's like myself don't take it personal. 

Nicole: Drugs...

Erin: No

Nicole: You should put yes

Erin: I've never done drugs but if he asks which one do I say I've done

Nicole: Pills. You definitely look like a pill popper. 

The lesson here being if you can't bring 100% realness with your bestie while setting up your online dating profile, you're doing it wrong! I think it was here I realized how much fun this would be to do with mine. 

Fast forward a bit and Nicole is in a full on pseudo relationship on behalf of Erin. She's picked a man, a man she likes but as for his compatibility with Erin, there was none. Sidebar: it's at this dinner one of Nicole's friends admits that her current relationship has been one long text message. They met through a text. Which basically left me with my jaw on the floor, but the show must go on. I do have to share the best part of all this was when Rich who's the guy Nicole is dating on behalf of Erin is taking a little too long to reply to her, she asks where the gun emoji is! Like really??? 

This all culminates with Nicole setting up a date for Erin, a date that Erin has no intention of going on. So Nicole meets Rich and breaks up with him on Erin's behalf, because that's what your best friend does when they have clearly gone a little to far trying to help you find a man! 

Let's all be reminded here that Nicole was fortunate enough to meet her husband the old fashion way, in a club. If only we could all be so lucky. 

XO, 

V.V. 

PS...

A Not So Typical First Date

I went on a date, a first date at an amusement park. As I reflected to prepare to dish to you I realized something, it's more of a reoccurring theme when it comes to my dating life: there's the way I fantasize things going and there's the way things go. Two very different experiences all resulting in my single girl status remaining unchanged.

A little about the man who I chose to spend a fun afternoon with, he was younger (twenty seven to be exact). Not my usual considering I prefer my men to be higher up on the number line than myself with a dash of grey & some facial hair if I'm being sort of specific. 

Now is where I'm going to confess my not so secret. Meeting the following criteria would put you in the know when it comes to this piece of intel:  

1. You know me personally
2. You were my date

I'm abso-freaking-loutely scared out of my mind of rollercoasters, I know! The thing is the idea of facing my fear in the company of man kinda had a nice ring to it. This is where we're gonna talk about how I fantasied the date going:

If you were to Google "amusement park date" you would see a variety of photos that look like this. A guy and girl happily making their way through an amusement park, together. You might even see a Ferris Wheel in the background which aren't normally found in amusement parks but damn it if there isn't just something about a Ferris Wheel that just has unlimited romantic potential. I was ready to scream my heart out, feel the wind in my hair and have someone their to hold my hand through it. There is one particular monster of a rollercoaster that would cause the hair on my arm to raise just watching it! Did you think I was lying when I said I was scared? I wasn't.

Part of my theme park fantasy included getting on this ride, his hand over mine and screaming at the top of my lungs. I figured it was all down hill from there, if I could do that I could get on any of the rest of em'! Since you can't spend hours burning calories without taking some in. There are waffle fries covered in cheese & bacon to take care of that. Clearly more calories then I want to face alone but throw in a man and I'm all about it! And since I don't believe in going halfway, funnel cake is a must! You know you can get it topped with whip cream and drizzled with chocolate??? PS- I totally skipped one crucial thing that has to happen, winning me a prize of course! I don't need one of those gigantic obnoxious ones either, which may or may not shock you. I would happily take something that doesn't require another person to carry because me and my boo will be busy holding hands, playing patty cake & such.

How about we snap back to reality and talk about how things actually went? We park and make the walk to the park. I looked so cute in short shorts that hug my thighs oh so nicely, black tube top which had the girls looking fab & sneakers. Now I'm not usually a sneaker wearer when it comes to dates or life in general unless I'm running; but, with all the walking that we were going to do I had to be comfortable, so sensibility won! He decided that before heading to the coaster that up to now has sent me into cardiac arrest with my feet on the ground we'd do a warm up. The line was crazy long for his first choice so we moved onto to another one. This one lifts you 200ft. in the air while rotating you in a giving what is actually a nice view of the park and city, because yes you are that damn high. I've done this ride before and I can say doing it again doesn't make it any less terrifying. We watched it go up and down five times as the line inched along. Guess what he thought  make for good conversation questions like "what if it didn't stop and hit the ground?" or "what if you became unfastened?" Cute, huh! This is when I realized the man I was with had the sensitivity of a five year old. 

Then it was our turn which is where I observed just how short he was. His feet didn't touch the ground but mine did. The high school kid working the ride tells us it's too late to get off now & we start our climb up, she starts singing "ring around the rosey, pocket full of poseys, ashes, ashes, we all fall down" as your feet dangle and you realize the only way you're getting off is by feeling like your crashing to the ground. PS-the "down" cues our descent back to the ground in all of three seconds. My heart is racing and then he says we're heading the main event! The line isn't crazy long but it is long, long enough to realize that I'm about to get on a rollercoaster that has scared me from the very first time I laid eyes on it! I'm not alone though, I can totally do this...or so I thought.

I decide it's a good idea to address where we'll be sitting because there is no way in hell I'm sitting in the front! Are you kidding me? What do I look like a tough guy? And this bozo says he wants to sit in the front or get as close to it as he can. My first thought was "okay he's just being his not so sensitive self and giving me a hard time" but then I think I should ask again because he's sure to say something like, "wherever you're comfortable sitting is good with me" except HE DOESN'T! That's when I decide as soon as I can get out of the line I'm done & a few moments later I was climbing through the railing and exiting stage left. To say I was pissed the fuck off was a gross understatement. I couldn't believe what an ass I was with! All I know this, I didn't come to an amusement park to ride a rollercoaster alone, ain't nobody got time for that! I was actually fine with never seeing him again. He was free to enjoy the rest of his time riding the front of every rollercoaster he wanted to but I was done.

At this point I'm both dying of thirst and needing the ladies room, so off I go alone. What I wasn't expecting was a text from him. In the span of twenty six minutes we exchanged twenty three messages! Starting with him asking where I went, telling me he didn't get on & that there wasn't any point of doing it alone. Well now he knows where I was coming from. How about that? By now I'm sitting in the shade and wondering how I got here. This was supposed to be fun! You know thrills, chills and some funnel cake. Not me being on the verge of tears a few minutes ago. After letting him know he was the epitome of an insensitive asshole he asked me what I wanted to do & understood if I was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Oh, so I'm not the only one who sees something wrong with what just happened? On the way to quench my thirst I passed the first roller coaster he wanted to get on and there was no line. So against my better judgment I suggested we get on that ride & a few minutes later we met in front of it. It was scary but after you get past feeling like your going to die it's actually sort of fun!

And that was that. We rode two rides, had a brief  intermission & snapped a photo on the way out for posterity. Basically so that when I tell my friends this story & they inevitably ask what he looked like I can show them! I haven't given up on the fun, funnel cake or romance it just isn't in the cards for us. 

XO,

V.V. Browne

The "B" Word & NOT the One You're Thinking

 

oc·cu·pa·tion·al haz·ard [noun]

an occupational hazard is something unpleasant that you may suffer or experience as a result of doing your job or hobby

Getting hurt is an occupational hazard of dating. Sometimes dating feels like a job or more like a never ending job interview. I suppose I'm in the minority when it comes to the initial Q&A of getting to know someone. I'm less concerned with what you do and more concerned with who you are which makes my approach vastly different from the men I've recently encountered. We present a snapshot of ourselves not only in our bio & photos but also in the minute details (i.e. height, body type, religion, etc). That snapshot should give you enough to know wether or not you want to know more about me. 

One more thing, before I get to the "b" word I'm referring to. Why is it when I write an online suitor I never get a response? Oh, that's right it's a cruel, cruel world. Which seems like the best segue way to to the issue at hand, men suck. Okay I'm referring to one man in particular, Aidan. I know, right? Well here's the good news I'm done. Not like "he's a nice guy, we have fun together, let's just see where this goes" done. I'm "deleted text messages, cried at 2AM, get the fuck over it" done. 

The first step to getting the fuck over a man should involve the delete button. No matter how hard it is, like when he when he made all this effort to see me when he got back from New York, told me how much he liked taking me out or once even went so far to tell me that I was amazing. You know what else he told me? I had beautiful eyebrows. PS-I do. Who gets all hot n' bothered from that, me--that's who. It was each one of those things led me to believe something that was never going to happen would happen. We were NEVER going to be together because it's NEVER what he wanted. I'm a dumbass. 

Wanna know what finally got me here? We hadn't spoke in about two weeks and when I asked him how he was he said busy. There we have it the "B" word, B-U-S-Y. He was working a lot & had even gone to Miami. I could just be making a big deal out of nothing but let's just put it all out there, how little does he think of me on a scale of 1-10. Were you thinking 11 too? I mean he got on a plane! At least the last time he did that he told me. Maybe telling me was a fluke and he was just feeling generous. Imagine one four letter word having that effect, busy. I call bullshit & say that we make the time for things & people that matter. In short, I don't matter. I get it. Finally.

XO,

V.V. Browne

PS-Aidan sucks but what sucks more is seeing something that reminds me of him.

PPS-Busy my ass!

Guest Post: Onwards and Upwards, Over and Out

I've got a treat for you in the form of a guest post from blogger & PR Specialist for Dateinadash, London's leading Speed Dating hosts! She's a creative and bubbly soul who loves writing about all things related to the world of dating, relationships and of course speed dating. Which is what she is about to school us all on...

When it's time to move on and start dating, why not try Speed Dating? 

After a failed relationship it is natural to be wary about getting back into the dating game again but panic not; having faith in yourself and knowing your own self worth is a must. Girls-in such instances remember to keep your chip up and smile. The sexiest thing a girl can wear is a smile and trust me; we are the ones calling the shots soooooo...onwards and upwards as the saying goes!




Of course, as with any breakup you may feel vulnerable and worried about getting hurt again if you plough straight into a new relationship or that you may be unable to trust again but staying positive and having fun is the key to finding happiness.




While some of your trusty pals may suggest dating straight away after your last love interest, taking time to get your bearings, heal from your wounds and begin to deal with the separation in your won way is most certainly key! You need time to adjust, discover things about yourself and take the time to reflect and learn from past relationships. But that said, when you are ready to start having fun again, want to flirt and mingle with lots of new singletons, why not embrace the opportunities you find and really start enjoying yourself again?




If you are a little bit excited at the prospect of meeting new people and see dating as one big adventure where you get to meet lots of new and exciting people, you're good to go. So, go...what is stopping you?




A trip into your local area to visit to a swish bar, a friendly pub or chic hang out may just bring a smile to your face if you find someone who takes your fancy. But for those wanting something a little more organised, without the "first date" nerves or awkwardness, why not consider speed dating as a way to get out, enjoy yourself and potentially find someone you share a connection with?




Speed dating has been around for a number of years now but has never been so popular as a method to meet the opposite sex. London speed dating hosts, Dateinadash state that their fresh and original speed dating events across the UK bring lost of sexy singles together, each and every month with a whole range of events to suit everyone's idea of a good night! From singles parties, wine tasting nights to gay speed dating, and from singles pub crawls, elite speed dating evenings and lock and key parties to name just a few, Dateinadash are excelling in the world of matchmaking.




But what can you expect from such new fangled ways of dating?

Firstly, a trendy venue, hoards of single people looking for a great night coupled with a tasteful décor, ambient lighting, and modern furniture sets the scene. Rock up to the bar for a drink to calm your nerves (if you should have any!) and cheekily check out the bevy of sexy singles that have all come out for the same reason; to meet, greet, chat and flirt with other people in the same boat. And then, let the fun commence.

Of course, as with anything in life, a new experience can be daunting but once you have relaxed, you can enjoy the chance to talk with over twenty people all in the search for their ideal partner. A very lovely and enthusiastic host will give a brief to the night and explain what is hoped from the speed dating event and then the real fun begins. A whistle indicates the start of the event and then after four minutes of nattering away, the whistle blows again and you then have one minute to discreetly mark on your scorecard whether your speed date tickles your fancy or not and if you would like to see them again by indicating on your card, either "yes," "no" or "friend." It really is as simple as that!

The men the swiftly move onto the next table while the luscious ladies remain in their seats, and while there may be some that you wouldn't want to see again due to awkward silences and lame conversations (and you spend all your time politely smiling at them praying for the whistle to sound!), there is a strong likelihood that you will find someone you really get along with. Well that is the hope. Come the end of the night, everyone happily trots on home and within 24 hours, receives their matches via email so they can continue in their quest for love.

For those lucky enough to receive a match, the rest is down to you and when you meet someone you click with, it could well be the start of something special but only time will tell...but on the flip side, if you receive no matches at all, you will be invited to return for another event absolutely free of charge! So, what do you have to lose but everything to gain? Zilch.

Keeping fingers crossed for you all in your search for love,

xOx,

Heather

PS-Keep in touch with Dateinadash on Facebook, follow them on Twitter, or visit their website for more details.

A Little Humpday Date Action

Last Wednesday was date night, with Aidan. Funny story before I get to the dissecting it.

I'm on the phone with the bestie, just catching up and I mention that I'm seeing and Aidan and crickets. I'm laughing and nodding my head as I tell you this. She is not Aidan's #1 fan. I mean he did hurt my feelings so she's not exactly pulling anything out of her ass but that's in the past. From the onset of our not exactly love affair I've been more tight lipped than I've been when it came dishing deets. I don't know how to explain it but Aidan is different. Like, different in a good way. I like the way he treats me, the way I feel when I'm with him and I don't know if I did any of that justice when I talked to her about him. So now I have one less person to go to and that puts me here, working through it. Which isn't such a bad thing considering the topic at hand is my dating life. #theend

Aidan was in the NYC last week for work. I did see him before his departure which was actually on Mother's Day & yes and told me Happy Mother's Day. He better have, right? I told him that I had seen this movie he really liked. So about this film, it's called Upstream Color & I'm gonna do what I should have before I watched it, give you the IMDb synopsis: A man and woman are drawn together, entangled in the life cycle of an ageless organism. Identity becomes an illusion as they struggle to assemble the loose fragments of wrecked lives. It was also written, directed, produced, edited, composed, designed, cast by and starring Shane Carruth. It's a sci-fi/drama, it's the sci-fi part that I sort of struggled to understand but I love a good drama! I also took it upon myself to google indie films on Netflix and ended up watching Kids with Friends and Bachelorette, both pretty good movies just not exactly bringing the heat in the way I had sort of envisioned when I talked about it with him. #itried

Aidan always asks me when I'm free, that's how he words it, he's super considerate and that's just how the conversation goes. I can't help but wonder what the verbage would be like if we working in the confines of definition, if you catch my drift. Like would he say, "when do I get see your beautiful face this week?' Anywho, in the back and forth of our banter I said something but attempted to keep it light and playful by adding an "lol." Wanna know what I said? Of course you do! I said, you can tell me all about how much you missed me, lol. Wanna know what he said? Of course you do! He said, I did miss you, that's why I want to see you tonight. Oh really??? Well then how could I say no to that? We caught up over drinks, he told me about his trip, showed me a video & I told him how my week went. PS-We were on a patio and the weather was awesome! PPS-This is what I want our summer together to look like. #summerloving

Now we've reached the part of the evening where one thing leads to another. When it comes to discussing what happens between the sheets I usually err on the side of less is more. So in that vain, we look at each other, laugh & then he kisses me. I basically melt into him. #youknowtherest

Then the clothes come back on and I am sort of in this weird after sex haze. You can't have sex with someone you like and like them less, unless the sex was whack & in that case I'm sorry for that. I have all these thoughts run through my mind but from outward appearances look like I've got my shit together. I don't know if the silence is comfortable or not. I don't have any idea what he's thinking. Then I think I'm making something out of nothing. We're different, we do things differently & I imagine have different ideas of what togetherness looks like. If you were to tilt your head, squint your eye & stand on one leg it might appear as though we're dating. I go back and forth between needing to have to DTR, sometimes it matters and sometimes it doesn't. It's like do I really have to put the man in a headlock to get an answer, where the hells the romance in that? #idemandromance

XO,

V.V. Browne

The Elephant in my Love Life

The elephant in the room is actually a man. Does that surprise you in the least bit? He's actually made himself quite comfy (the elephant not the man) and well I just got accustomed to looking everywhere in the room but at it. I recommend avoiding eye contact with whatever plight you're facing until you're ready to face it. Eventually the day will come & you'll be ready, it's taken me fifty four days to sit down at the keyboard and say what it is I'm about to say.                                                                                                                                                                   

Dating in the 21st Century 

Dating can sometimes be a dirty word unless your in middle school and have yet to face the perils we all know now. Like men cheat, break your heart & treat you like gum on the bottom of their show. However as a thirty something woman you better believe the term "hangout" is no longer in my dating word bank. Can we for a moment be grown up enough to label our "male/female interactions" in a way that truthfully reflects said interaction? Their are two schools of thought when it comes to defining dating, let's break it down. 

Exhibit A Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple. (Wikipedia)

Exhibit B The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse; the human courtship ritual; playing baseball for a home run. (Urban Dictionary) 

Pick your poison & lets just get on with already. 

The Good, The Bad & The Present 

Let's start with the present since that's where we are. Last night I went out with Aidan, its only been a little over two months since the last time we saw each other but who's counting? Oh, wait I am. I found myself battling a fierce case of nerves. Who the hell gets nervous going out with someone they've already gone out with? That happens to you too? Awesome. Clearly the amount of time that's passed has a lot to do with it. It was all laid to rest when I saw him and he gave me hug. I really like being around him but for some reason we haven't quite found our groove. I think it just takes time and it happens when it happens. We went to dinner, he has mad date planning skills. Then came the part of the evening where he looked at me & kissed me & well that was that y'all. The sex we have is so good, can I say that? I just did. It's like the doubts I have when we're not naked aren't there. Funny how being in the presence of a naked man can have that effect, huh? 

Here's where things take are gonna take an unexpected turn, I've decided since starting, finishing & saving this post last Saturday only to read, re-read, tweak & still find myself unable to hit publish the good and bad are in one the same: I'm going with my gut. 

Stay tuned as the saga continues...

XO, 

V.V. Browne 

PS-Notice the name change? In an effort to streamline my branding I've mixed things up a little!