Happies n' Crappies: Take #1

I'm a huge fan of The Vintage Modern Wife & when I saw the opportunity to get my Happies & Crappies on I decided to join in on the fun! 

HAPPIES 

#1 I finally have a theme & vision for the bridal shower I'm hosting for my bestie! 

#2 From time to time I wake up in the middle of the night and will start writing a blog in my head. Normally I try to quiet my mind and get back to snoozing. Except this week when it happened, I didn't! I It took the better part of the day but I got it posted the same day too. 

#3 I'm going out Saturday night to celebrate my friends "Double B," birthday & bon voyage. I'm planning to wear a dress I haven't worn in a year too! Oh, when I tried it on today it zipped with no problem. Yay for not having to do the Irish jig to get it up. 

#4 I tried two new workouts courtesy of PopSugar and they kicked my butt! Like in the best way possible. I'm sore. I did the 10-Minute Tabata Workout &  Victoria Secret Ab Workout because who the hell doesn't want abs like a Victoria Secret Model, sign me up! 

CRAPPIES 

#1 All of the devastation that's taken place. From the Boston marathon bombing to the plant in Texas blowing up. There are innocent people dead & facing unimaginable pain.

#2 Facing my flaws is hard. Today I admitted to holding grudges, being needy & asking for too much. In reference to the last two it has more to with my questionable taste in men. If you're reading this I beg you, I mean encourage you to read all about it. 

#3 My eyes are itchy. The pollen is out on full force & kicking my butt! I hate when I wait until it's too late to take allergy medicine. 

XO, Miss BB 

The Electronic Meet Market

On a whim I jumped out of Cupids way into a new pond. For those of you who missed the "deeper” meaning behind my play on words I'll spell it out for you, I left OkCupid for Plenty of Fish. We're talking apples & oranges here I figured what the hell. 

Let's just say from my not more than forty-eight hours swimming with the new fish I've figured some things out & had an epiphany or two. 

#1 You can just call me Miss Judgy Pants

First, it's your message. Did you use letters in place of words? Like "how u doin" that's right no question mark. Pretty sure I was just asked a question. I don't know who said "hi beautiful" was an acceptable introduction but they lied. Let's for shits & giggles assume that attraction is a given. If you’re messaging me than you don't think I'm ugly. For the record, I am beautiful but let's table that compliment on the off chance that in time the proper opportunity to use it will present itself. 

#2 Photo-op & Word Choice 

I do look at every suitor’s profile who sends me a message. Even if the mistakes mentioned above were made. The way I see it there's more pointing and laughing to do. Did I really just say that? Yes, that's right I did. Like you haven't pointed and laughed. Whatever! If you have misspelled your profession, for example entrapenur [correct spelling entrepreneur], chances are you aren't a good one. If you are showing skin & you are not in a gym or on a beach, I'm not impressed. Oh, if I message you back and our Q&A goes like this: 

Him: Ok cool tell me ur turn ons and turn offs 

Thought bubble: Not really loving the use of "turn ons/offs." Note the letter used for a word here. All I can say is it gets worse but he was attractive. In my book, attractive=rule bending. Hey it's my book!

Me: Turn ons: honesty, bluntness, openness, enthusiasm & being able to make something not so fun, fun

Turn offs: slang, poor grammar, being inconsiderate, selfishness & close mindedness

What are some of yours?

Thought bubble: I was this close to conjuring up a copout but you know what, I didn't!

Him: God fearing sexy cute handles business lady n public but knows how to satisfy me in the bedroom. Turn off a woman that smokes acts ghetto and loud and can't hv a gd convo 

Thought bubble: Where are the commas? Did he just make a play on Usher lyrics "lady in the street, freak in the 

bed." Generalizations of black women are the perfect way to pick one up. Yes, I'm a black woman. Oh, I didn't know have & good were abbreviated like that. 

Me: You're attractive which got you this far however you’re bringing up "lady in the streets freak in the bed" makes me uncomfortable. I find the term "acts ghetto" to be a horrible generalization too. 

Good luck on your search!

Him: U 2

Thought bubble: Isn't that the name of a band?! 

No. Thank. You. Sir. 

Epiphany #1 

The whole "reject message" is unnecessary. I have on again/off again fallen into this trap. I can say with 100% certainty thanks to an enlightening twitter conversation they are heavily frowned upon. One of my favorite love gurus, Laurie Davis better known to the world as the eFlirt Expert puts it like this in her book, Love at First Click "don't break up with someone before you say hello." FYI-if you're struggling with your online love search or looking to revamp it she is totally the girl to help you fix that! 

PS-In my mind I picture me and Laurie laughing it up over drinks discussing my love life & her doling out the expert advice. A girl can dream! 

Epiphany #2 

I figured out what's missing in my online search for love: men who are articulate. When I scroll down and read about your interests & introduction I'd like to be reading about what interests you & a little about who you are. I put some emphasis on little because there is nothing worse than an "about me" section that is the length of a novel. That's just as equally a turn off as the "I don't know what to put here but I have to put something. I'm an open book ask me anything." Well for starters you can't spend a few minutes brainstorming & write 5-6 sentences about yourself? Guess what, that's what I did. How open a book are you if you're unable to do that? Not one I want to read. While I'm at it, I don't think you list the attributes you're looking for in a woman in the "interests" section either. Who does that? There’s a way to work that in I just don't think that's the place. 

Signed a girl who every now in than feels like just another doomed single bitch, XO 

The Pick-Up Artist

It's been quite some time since I've been approached by a man just out and about during daylight hours. Most days I'm more Plain Jane then Fiery Vixen and if beauty really is in the eye of the beholder then the right pair have yet to set their sights on me. Funny thing is this is a rather fitting translation for the current state of my love life. So where are the men with 20/20 vision hiding? Come out, come out wherever you are. 

I was having the least sexy day on record when I decided to venture out in my pajamas. I only had one errand to run & it wasn't Walmart which on any given day you're sure to spot of a few of my fellow clansmen. The good news is I was wearing my over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, for the record gravity is a bitch! I walked out the door head held high & ready to take on the world. Oh, do I get any street cred for my pj's matching? Didn't think so.

This errand I had to run was to the post office. As I was walking in I noticed a man, black, older, not exactly not my type & all I could think was, "why yes sir I'm in pajamas it's all the rage with the 30-something sect. You didn't know. Oh." I don't have to wait in line, I buy my stamps & head out in record time. I do notice the man I saw leaving as I was entering at a table & writing but I don't pay it too much attention. 

I get to my car and since I have some time to burn decide to send some texts, respond to an email & tweet. Multitasking at its finest. Then out of the corner of my eye I see someone approaching my car. My defenses go up along with my eyes and who is it? The man from earlier, as in five minutes ago. He's handing me a piece of paper & saying that he wanted to catch me before I made my exit. Guess he's a slow writer & I'm a fast walker. For reasons I'm going to get to, minus his digits but not his name because he earned this moment in the spotlight--here's the note: 

Now let's fast forward three days and as I'm on my way home from my date with Mister Cheap Pants, I decide to ring this mystery man. I'm clearly not one to be deterred by another misfire by Cupid. The phone rings and it goes like this: 

Me: Hi. You gave me your number at the post office. 

Him: Silence 

Me: It was a few days ago 

Him: Oh, which post office was it? 

Me: Silence. I'm thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me?" This is where I hang up. 

Evidently he trolls the post office for ladies & I've just fallen victim. This falls under dating MO's that men use that should be retired but if it's not broke why fix it right? I mean I was in pajamas but I was cute damn it! So along with the gas station I've just added another place where I will be saying thanks but no thanks! Or maybe if he's a hottie I'll be willing to bend the rules. Bending the rules for a hottie is totally acceptable because I say so. 

So now I'm 0-2 and in one day! I've either got mad skills or have set the bar pretty low. I'd say the first is true not to toot my own horn or anything, toot! As for the latter it's moments like this that only raise it. They say...

XO, Miss BB 

Mister Cheap Pants

I'd say I'm getting pretty good at this first date thing. I've found my confidence, I don't secretly have my fingers, toes & eyes crossed Mr. New Guy turns into Mr. Gonna Put a Ring on It & my conversation skills are in tip top shape!

When it comes to first dates I fall into the category of women who take the traditional approach. Such as: the guy asks you out, the guy picks the place or gives you a choice, I'm talking two, one or the other, he's on time, or if he's pulling out the big guns he's early & has saved you a seat, oh he pays, with special emphasis on that last bit. Let me play out for you how it should go:

The check comes. The guy takes the black folder with said bill, looks it over & pulls out his preferred method of payment.1-2-3, you graciously thank him. The End. 

This is what happened to me...

I arrived at the restaurant before my date, Mr. Cheap Pants. The name says it all but there's laughing to do & I figure we should do it together. I pick a table, order a drink & wait for him. Keep in mind that he lives much closer than I do to our lunch spot and still managed to be at least five minutes behind me. Impressed I was not. He arrives, gets a beer, we look over the menu, place our orders, insert an array of first date appropriate topics & before you know it we're coming to the end of what has been a good time.

The check comes. He grabs the black folder, looks over the bill & this is where things take a detour. He says, I need a couple of dollars. I'm thinking, Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! But I keep it together, sure no problem. What's a couple dollars, right? Two, right? A couple is two. No big deal. Except in a blink of an eye the waitress is walking off with my debit card and this sorry motherfucker is sliding me $8. Oh, he's saying something about going to the ATM to give me the rest of what he owes me. I'm confused & it sounds more like wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, because he had a debit card in one hand, cash in the other and my ass just payed for our lunch.

In a few short steps we're at a grocery store, he buys some candy, gets some money & hands me four more dollars. Four. That makes for a grand total of, drum roll please...$12. I bet your wondering how much lunch cost, it was $30. I just went dutch. Actually I was just jipped $3. I speed walk to my car, we part ways & I  begin to replay the shenanigans that just took place. Mr. Cheap Pants wastes no time at all texting me and I quote: "I really enjoyed my time with you" *smiley face* Twice! Why twice? Because how do you say I think you're a cheap bastard, nicely? Except on text number three he made it easy for me, when he goes:  "I hope I didn't offend you with how we paid for lunch?" *sad face* My response. Two Words: I'm offended. 

I except to be asked out. I expect to be treated nicely. I except the man to pay. This is a zero tolerance policy.

XO, Miss BB