I've gone back and forth literally driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to start this. Then it hit me, the beginning. Back when you don't know you're setting the foundation for future mistakes. Innocent recklessness acts as your compass. I have a pattern of behavior that started long ago, come with me down memory lane...
I was in elementary school, fifth grade & his name was Raymond. I can remember him chasing me. Hold up, me running, like for fun? This can't be true. But it is. Fifth grade was a long time ago but those small moments were setting the stage for what would become bigger moments. Fast forward three years and as a middle schooler I had my first go at this thing called "boyfriend/girlfriend." He played basketball, I was a cheerleader, isn't this the stuff of love stories. He was my first kiss and that was the demise of us. Ewww, it was gross. Since I like you I spare the deets. Just yuck! I don't know what went wrong but it was all sorts of wrong. I bounced back like the champ I am and into the arms of his best friend. This is the first friendship I would complicate. I can remember it so vividly, we were standing, facing each other, there was all this nervousness and laughter. I had butterflies in my stomach and I was terrified. Not without good reason either. I closed my eyes and that was that. It was everything it was supposed to be. And since I'm sharing he would become the first boy to respectively visit first & second base.
High school was basically an experience I just got through. I wasn't popular. I wasn't picked on. I was just there. The "love" highlight of all that can basically be summed up into a four year crush. Yeah, that's it. No boyfriend. No dirty making out. None of what I wanted. I've never felt really pretty. Or even really smart. I've always just been the sweet quiet one. I guess when it came down to it I didn't think I was good enough, not for him.
My first big girl experience came in the form of band camp. On one of the last days we had dance and I was sitting there observing and itching; I got poison oak. Yep, see I've also got kick ass luck. The only person out of entire band to get it. But back to the dance. This guy, this very nice guy took my hand and danced with me. That's me, the girl looking at everyone with a guy; not the girl with a guy.
You might surprised by this but I did have an escapade with an older boy. He was nineteen. He like most nineteen year old boys wanted to have sex. Me, not so much. The good news is, this is not where I bid farewell to my virginity. He dumped me. Not before being the first to visit third base though. It just wasn't enough to solidify a LTR. Buh-bye. Speaking of virginity, I did lose it to a complete and utter nut job. Should I mention he was well endowed? I feel like that's important to say. Validation of my first bad decision. It was the [only] reason I went back for more. I know. Shame on me. This little nugget of up jacked-upness taught me that sex isn't this romantic thing involving candles and roses and all that other shit that "they" [PS-who the hell are they?] tell us it's supposed to be. Romance, what's that? For some of us, its a guy, who's an asshole, who's good in bed, who we know is no good for us but just can't seem to cut ourselves off from. The flip side to this is that one I should have lost it to, I didn't. He was sweet. But wait he also kissed my friend in front of me. Yeah. Uh-huh. This one time though he asked me out on a date on my TI-89, that's a fancy calculator. In the moment it was everything. I did eventually forgive him too. Yet another pattern of mine. Quick to forgive. Oh, I end up bedding men that are no good for me.
So that just about it covers it & here I am. Still making mistakes, from mistakes, I should of learned from a few mistakes ago.
XO, Miss BB
