I'm writing this update two days into Week #3, which can be summed up in like this:
I'm not fairing so well when it comes to the emotional warfare that I'm currently engaged in.
Week #2 came and went. Pretty early on in the week I put everything on hold and was all consumed with hosting a bridal shower. I only ran one day. I spent the rest of the week in a cycle of stress, panic & sleep deprivation so much so that I spent Sunday catching up on sleep. It was lovely. Since that's not all that interesting and Week #3 is proving to be kicking my ass, only two days in mind you I'm going to do a mid-week update.
I find myself in an uncomfortable place. I'm big on feelings. I say trust them, do what they tell you & here I am struggling to do just that. Why is it that it's easy for me to give advice but when it comes to me following it--it's a whole different story. My problem is one we've all faced before, my head & my heart are not on the same page. When it comes to my head I'm a tough bitch. Cut, dry & to the point without so much as blinking an eye. When it comes to my heart I'm an emotional bitch. I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm mad. I'm over it. I'm basically a hot mess.
The blame falls on one person: me
There are some lessons in love that we find ourselves repeating. I'd like to think it's just for good measure & for me this second time around there are things I did right. For instance, my inner voice has known from the very beginning that I was going to end up right where I am. Tears were shed. Curses were sworn. I took a deep breath and said what I needed to. See you come to a point in a relationship where you don't have anything to lose so if you're gonna go down guns a'blazin' then I say you might as well say what you need to. I did just that. I meant every single word. I'm guilty of lying to myself. I said I would be okay. I lied. I've spent months pussy footing around & all it took was my asking one question two times. I got an answer. Except it's consistently shown itself in his actions. See you need words & actions and you need them to match up. It's that last part that he struggles like a champ with. His actions have consistently said "I don't give a fuck!" I'm not idiot. I'm just a girl who fell for the wrong guy. I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last. Except this time around I somehow manage to end up with the upper hand. How? It beats the hell out of me.
I get to make the rules. Making the rules means that I've got to follow them and as we're all well aware I'm a rule breaker. This is something that I have to fix. I'm no stranger to having more than one man around to fulfill a bullet item on my "list" its just that this time around that's not what I want. With the end in sight I don't want all of this to have been in vain. My main goal in detoxing is to get rid of the shit that distracts me, that pisses me off & shouldn't and that holds me back. I have two weeks left & I refuse to let a man, especially a Mr. Wrong seep in and throw me off course. Life & love are riddled with mistakes it's our job to learn from them. I've got just enough time left on the clock to figure out what exactly it is that I want.
What do I want? Stay tuned.
XO, Miss BB