Monday, July 28, 2014

The Tale of the Girl Who's Keeping Her Mouth Shut

When it comes to this thing called blogging I'd have to say what I suck at most is consistency, there I said it & this isn't the first time. It's not purposeful it's just hard to keep coming up with new ways to say the same shit. I'm single. I haven't gone on a date in weeks. Actually, I maybe sorta bailed on the last man who invited me out. It wasn't my fault though, see something came up and instead of saying, "sorry can't make it got a date" I told my date "sorry can't make it something came up." It goes like this, saying yes to someone or something means saying no to another someone or something, so the someone or something you're saying yes to should be the better someone or something.

Using that very scientificy calculation it did not come out in the favor of the someone I initially said yes to. Guess what? Sometimes it be like that. Since the cancellation of that date we've yet to set another one and to be honest my gut told me this was gonna happen. Then he did that sleazy half kidding, half not kidding thing where a man will say I'm on the way & hasn't been invited thing, ew. Except he wasn't kidding. If his lackluster performance up to this point wasn't a turnoff this certainly sealed the deal. PS-I'm not over here dying to go out with anyone. It'd be easy to play the blame the game which is exactly what I'm about to do, blame everyone but me.

My dating life has been as dry as the Sahara since Aidan. I recently wanted to tell him that I hate his face, the face that I haven't seen in months. After some really good self evaluation, I'm talking Iylana Vanzant good here I decided to keep my mouth shut. Nothing good will ever come from initiating a conversation with that man. He's an asshole in good guy packaging. You can't be a good guy and an asshole at the same time. You can only be one or the other & your actions are going to dictate which category I place you in from here on out. No more of this, "he's such a good guy, he's just got a lot going on bullshit" because that ladies is all that is. I'm done dealing with assholes in pretty packaging with no regard for my feelings. 

That's what makes the thought of having to do this all over again potentially several times before finding the right guy seem like a nightmare. A nightmare that actually has me up and writing at three o' clock in the morning. There is one more piece to this, more like a side effect of spending time with another human being and those are memories. I came across an article about a DJ, I read it and then started wracking my brain as to why he sounded familiar and then it hit me, like a semi. Ahhh, Aidan. That motherfucker.

Any sane girl would only allow one man at a time to drive her crazy. If you haven't quite put it together I don't exactly fall into the sane category when it comes to dating. There's another bozo with one foot in the picture and one foot out. He's more background noise than anything, the equivalent of a song popping in your head for no particular rhyme or reason & then just like that it's gone. That is the perfect description of the type of relationship we have. It's totally fucked up but somehow I've managed to get comfortable, why am I so good at doing that? 

As I was pondering all of this a couple days ago, like I do every now and then I accepted that this will never change. He will never be the man I want him to be & it was in that moment that I decided to keep my mouth shut. Not all relationships or friendships for that matter have to have an ugly ending. What if the new ugly is keeping whatever you feel to yourself because in the end how much do you think it really matters to other person? If it mattered you'd have what you need.

There's one more group of men I'd like to blame and those are men who online date. I know, that's a lot of men but I'm not just doing this for me anymore, this is for you too. When it comes to the cat and mouse game of messaging I'd have to say it mimics real life in a way I wish it didn't. When I send a message to a man, crickets. On second thought I think the crickets make more noise then the men do but I think you get it. This is why I solemnly swear to stop. When a man is attracted to you he will say it some more eloquently than others but you won't be left guessing. Something both of the men I just discussed were really good at doing. Giving just enough to keep me around but not nearly enough to make me happy & instead of being a bitch about it I'm going to be a lady and keep my mouth shut.


V.V. Browne

1 comment:

  1. This reminds me of a time when I was telling my brother about a guy who was basically giving me the runaround. My brother said, "I don't want you to be with anyone who needs convincing. He should just want to be with you. That's it." I really try to live and date by these words.